Unrequited love

Rather than being a specific emotion itself, romantic love is believed to be a motivation or drive which elicits different emotions depending on the situation: positive feelings when things go well, and negative feelings when awry.^[4][13][14] Reciprocated love may elicit feelings of joy, ecstasy, or fulfillment, for example, but unrequited love may elicit feelings of sadness, anxiety, or despair.^[4][15]

The feeling of romantic love may also be either pleasant or unpleasant, regardless of the intensity level.^[16][17] One of Dorothy Tennov's interview participants recalls being in love this way: "When I felt [Barry] loved me, I was intensely in love and deliriously happy; when he seemed rejecting, I was still intensely in love, only miserable beyond words."^[17]

It is useful then to think of unrequited love in terms of interdependence theory, because the emotions felt and other outcomes are contingent on the actions of the people involved: the would-be lover's experience depends on the actions of the target of their love (the rejector), and vice versa.^[18][19]

Among theorists of love, different perspectives have been given on whether the giving or receiving of love is more important. For example, Erich Fromm emphasized the giving and "the art of loving" as essential to happiness, whereas Carl Rogers emphasized the receiving of unconditional positive regard. Experiences of unrequited love, however, support the idea that neither giving nor receiving by itself is sufficient; rather, the mutual experience of reciprocated love is required for happiness.^[20]

Unrequited love is common among young adults.^[1] A study by Roy Baumeister and Sarah Stillwell found that 92.8% of participants reported at least one "powerful or moderate" experience of unrequited love in the past 5 years.^[18] A different study found 63% had a "huge crush" at least once in the past 2 years (but not letting the person know), and unrequited love was four times more frequent than equal love.^[1]

Another study found that 20% had experienced unrequited love more than 5 times, according to a definition that "When one is experiencing this emotion, it has been described as having one’s emotions on a roller coaster, finding it difficult to concentrate, and thinking constantly about the person with whom you are in love. The person is said to have the power to produce extreme highs and lows of emotion in you, depending on how he or she acts towards you."^[21]

Some people have a tendency to fall in love with people who are much more desirable than themselves, so their love tends to be unrequited; Roy Baumeister calls this kind of mismatch "falling upward".^[22][20] Research shows that relationships tend to be successful when the couple is more or less even in attractiveness, so Baumeister suggests that a mismatched relationship may be doomed.^[22] According to the "matching hypothesis", while a person might prefer a relationship with an extremely attractive person, they would rather not run the risk of rejection either, so relationships tend to be limited to partners who are similarly attractive.^[23][18][1]

Unrequited love may find fertile ground to blossom in platonic friendships. Intimacy is the core of a love relationship, but the feelings may grow in only one person.^{[20][18][22][24]} Another type of scenario where unrequited love may occur is the early stage of a romantic relationship, where after dating for a time, one person's feelings begin to flourish, while the other wishes to discontinue the relation. This may be confusing for both parties, because of the reinforcement from initial reciprocation, and because rejectors may lack insight into their absence of growing desire despite some initial interest.^[20]

Those with an anxious attachment style are slightly more prone to unrequited love than other attachment styles, and their fear of abandonment can also drive people away.^[22][24]

Another general factor is the misreading of the beloved's nonverbal communications, mixed messages or other responses.^[18][25][24] Such misreadings are believed to create a partial reinforcement schedule which makes the feeling difficult to extinguish, prolonging the duration.^[24][25]

Roy Baumeister has observed an important difference in the possible outcomes of unrequited love, when analyzing the perspectives of the would-be lover and rejector separately. Even though in some cases, the would-be lover can experience more intense suffering than the rejector is likely to experience, the possible outcomes for the would-be lover also include the opposite extreme: the mutual bliss of living happily ever after, if love was reciprocated. By comparison, the possible outcomes for the rejector are all bad, assuming he or she cannot come to love the other. Baumeister calls the situation a "high-stakes gamble to the would-be lover", but a "no-win situation for the rejector".^[18]

While the perspective of the would-be lover is made familiar by our culture through popular media, the rejector's side is largely ignored, incomplete, or inaccurate.^[38] In fact, Baumeister's research found that an object of unrequited desire experiences unpleasant emotions as well—like anxiety, frustration, and guilt—and these were mentioned about a third more often in accounts by rejectors than pursuers.^[22][18]

Would-be lovers and rejectors often perpetuate the situation with a "conspiracy of silence", because both parties want to avoid the painful communication. Would-be lovers do not want to hear the rejection, and rejectors do not want to cause the would-be lover to suffer. As a result, rejectors tend to soften the message with compliments or only vague reasoning, and would-be lovers tend to perceive the message as unserious.^[39] Dorothy Tennov advocates in her discussion of limerence that an individual who is the object of such an unwanted attraction ought to give the clearest possible rejection, rather than ambiguities such as "I like you as a friend, but...".^[40]

Based on the addiction theory of romantic love, Helen Fisher and colleagues recommend that rejected lovers remove all reminders of their beloved, such as letters or photos, and avoid contact with the rejecting partner. Reminders can cause cravings which prolong recovery. They also suggest that positive contact with friends could reduce cravings. Rejected lovers should stay busy to distract themselves, and engage in self-expanding activities.^[58]

In Remedia Amoris (c. 1 CE), the Roman poet Ovid gave advice on how to remedy unrequited love.^[59][5] Ovid's suggestions include travel, teetotalism, bucolic pursuits, and avoiding love poets.^[59]